I’m out of town on vacation this Friday, so no new Flash Fiction then. Instead, you get it a couple days early. Not really for the easily offended or particularly religious.
Everyone was a bit surprised when the Rapture came, myself in particular, having been a staunch atheist all of my life. It was a Wednesday, which seemed odd in and of itself. One might have expected the messiah to pick a day with a bit more significance. Monday, because fuck don’t Mondays always suck? Or Friday since they signify an end of sorts. Sunday of course would fit, what with the church schedule and all, but no it was a Wednesday.
He, Jesus that is, descended on his cloud, I’m told it was quite lovely but cannot vouch for it as I was stuck in the mother of all traffic jams. Then the damned, well actually the non-damned, Christians just started evaporating out of their cars, leaving me in the great-grand-fucking-mother of all traffic jams. You’ve never seen so many empty mini-vans, pickups and SUV’s. Honestly, I was surprised at how many there were missing, and having known a few that up and disappeared I have to say I find the admission policy in heaven to be a little lenient.
For myself, I’m not terribly upset that I got left behind, other than the sting of having gotten it wrong that a god really did exist. To be fair he was omnipotent and doing a damn fine job of hiding. The country went on, and though not a single member of Congress got zapped. Though there were plenty of right-wing hypocrites left around, there were plenty more decent atheist left wingers. It was kind of nice really. Pestilence came along and rather than preach abstinence, we came up with some workable solutions. By the time good old Famine reared her emaciated little head we were all working so well together that we mostly didn’t notice. God’s divine retribution was really coming as a bit of a disappointment to some. The problem with his plan was, see, he got rid of everybody that was relying on him. He left the people behind that were already getting on with life by themselves. War tried real hard, but let’s face it – the Prius driving atheists just didn’t have it in them. We didn’t need to fight about oil or God, so there wasn’t too much left. Fine, there was some blood shed over Android vs. iOS, but that had gone on for a while anyway.
In the end, Satan saw a world bereft of God’s people getting along quite well and realized that really that was victory enough.