Narcissism, Expression, & Contradiction

Despite the fact that I have always had a strong sense of self loathing, I have come to believe that the need to express one’s self is derived from some deep-seated form of narcissism. I have ideas, that at some level, I believe are worth your time and you simply must explore them. So I make them available for your investigation. I put them out there for the world to see.

I have a fear of fame, notoriety, or even just socialization. With the exception of a few individuals, I find the very act of making conversation a trying experience. I don’t mean tedious in a condescending way, I mean that it is actually physically draining. I can spend all day working in a sweltering workshop smashing away at hot metal, cutting up wood for a construction project, or any number of other physically taxing tasks and not be as worn out as spending just a few hours at a large party. I’ve struggled with this all my life and have always had a very small number of people who I allow into my inner circle. Even on Facebook, where interaction is as detached as possible, I have a very small number of friends and actively refuse/block/hide connections.

Despite this wariness of interaction, I have a craving for an audience. I have a comic strip I maintain, this blog, sculpture I’ve placed in shows, and of course stories that I’ve sent off to editors in hopes of being published.  I want to be isolated and insulated, but I want the world to listen to me.  It is a sickness of sorts I suppose. Or maybe its just normal. People want what they want, regardless of the reason why. As cold and logical as I try to be sometimes, I have desires that make absolutely no sense, and even flatly contradict other desires.

A fear of heights makes me want to stay close to the ground, but for whatever reason I have always wanted to skydive. As a kid I wanted to be Batman, but didn’t really want to exercise (much less have my parent’s brutally murdered right before my eyes). I want to be athletic and healthy, but I also really want another bowl of ice cream and some more time to read.

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